The Soft Power of Feeling: Learning to Trust Your Emotions Again
Emotional intelligence begins not with control, but with awareness (especially for those of us with ADHD). It’s not about avoiding difficult feelings or fixing them as they arise, but learning to sit with what you feel, curiously, compassionately, and without judgement.
At its heart, emotional intelligence whispers a simple truth: you are not your emotions, but you are the one who feels them. And that feeling is shaped by how your brain, wired uniquely by ADHD, interprets what’s happening around you.
The Brain’s Quiet Whisper
Before a feeling even surfaces, the brain is already at work. According to psychologist Magda Arnold, emotions begin with a rapid, unconscious evaluation of our surroundings. We sense something - a tone of voice, a glance, a sudden silence - and our brain immediately assigns meaning to it. That meaning may feel like intuition, but it's often shaped by past memories, perceived threats, or deep-seated beliefs.
What we eventually call a feeling is the conscious reflection of that emotional response.
Later researchers, like Smith and Ellsworth, expanded this understanding by identifying eight ways we mentally ‘appraise’ a moment. These subtle dimensions help explain why the same event can feel entirely different depending on how we interpret it. We ask ourselves, often without realising:
How much attention does this need?
Is this expected, or out of the blue?
Do I have control over it?
Does it feel pleasant or uncomfortable?
Is something standing in my way?
Who is responsible?
Is this fair?
What will it take to respond?
These subtle appraisals influence not just how we feel, but how intensely we feel it, and for ADHD brains, these waves can be especially powerful.
The Dance Between Emotion and Thought
The amygdala, your brain’s emotional fire alarm, is quick to react, especially when it senses danger. It reacts before you’ve had time to think, which is why we might suddenly feel anxious, overwhelmed or impulsive feelings can hit so suddenly before we even understand why.
But just as emotion rises, the prefrontal cortex - the more thoughtful, reasoning part of the brain - can step in. It helps you name what we’re feeling, explore its roots, and choose how to respond rather than simply react.
This is where emotional intelligence begins, in the pause between reaction and response, in the quiet question: what is this really about?
How to Cultivate This Awareness
Notice without judgement. When an emotion arrives, pause and observe it like a wave, allowing it to move through you without needing to label it good or bad.
Name the feeling. Quietly giving your emotion a name (is it sadness, anger, envy, tenderness?) helps your thinking brain settle the rawness of the experience.
Trace its roots. Softly ask what part of your inner world is shaping this feeling. Is control lost? Is there unfairness? Is a deeper worry pulling at your attention?
Feel it in your body. Notice where the emotion lives, (in your chest, throat, stomach?) — and give it space to flow, without rushing to explain or analyse.
With gentle, consistent practice, these steps build new pathways in your brain, bringing clarity, resilience, and a trust in your inner world as a source of wisdom rather than confusion, essential skills for ADHD women learning to thrive.
A Gentle Reminder
Emotional intelligence isn’t about perfect regulation or endless calm. It’s about becoming familiar with your inner landscape, meeting yourself with grace, and allowing every emotion to be part of your human experience, instead of looking at it as something to fix or avoid.
This is the quiet strength you can start building, not control, but connection, with yourself and your unique beautiful wild brain.
References:
Arnold, M. B. (1960). Emotion and Personality.
Smith, C. A., & Ellsworth, P. C. (1985). Patterns of Cognitive Appraisal in Emotion. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
